Bring on the Night

I am closing it down, boarding up shop. I don't want the help. I want the pain to dig deep in and never leave. I plan on crawling into the dark; the very dark I once feared, the same dark I am now morbidly attracted too. I don't deserve to be rescued from the tormenting demons that breached my membrane and attached itself to my soul. I crave the opportunity to cut the throat of my happiness and severe any attachments to the participants that bring joy which I do not deserve. I am broken and unfix-able. I despise the entire concept of deserving anyway. I firmly believe nobody deserves anything you get what you earn. I haven't earned a single piece of happiness. I been camouflaging my misery and self hatred behind hollow dreams of successful desires. Truth is I am aroused with being scared and damaged. No matter how many times I attempt to bury my unorthodox desires, the raw truth finds it's way back into the light. A man can do a million things in a lifetime, however who he is remains deep within his soul where it's tamper proof. The dark stain that resides deep inside me is a born warrior, but this gifted citizens talents have been left to idle since I stripped myself from the honor I once possessed. Experience are supposed to define us, however this one deprived me. I am left with a eternity absent of destiny. I am black balled warrior with no place in this world. A requirement for my happiness is having a hand in the extinction of evil.

Crossroads

How do I distinguish the difference between sacrifice and self-destruction while under the influence of love? I have no hesitation in trading in my Paradise playboy lifestyle in Tampa. I will also ignore the financially wise decision and pass up my fathers offer to live with him while I attend a local university. And I will undoubtedly go thru with these actions for the love of a women I just met. I am not torn over these scarifies, for true love is far more valuable, however what if this love diminishes? Will these gracious sacrifices just become more self-destructive decisions I make on this mistake riddled life of mine if and when the fad of loving a "bad boy" wears off? where will i be then? In this pivital moment in my life where my sponsor has showed me the importance of responsible choices; should I follow my head or my heart? Looks to me the end will define my action. If we live happily ever after then it will just be an admirable sacrifice I made for love. If she becomes another failed relationship will I look back and view my actions as another episode where my defective heart poisoned my rational thinking? I guess I am left to decide what is the lesser of two evils. Going for love and coming up short once again or passing on the opportunity thus forever questioning the potency of our initial emotions. I am only a couple steps down this road to a higher quality of life and I have encountered my first crossroad. Love is to the right and logic to the left.